Tainted Love {Aife}

[Caelen Sage]

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
______________________________________________________

Caelen walked the halls of school slowly as his mind wandered on nothing in particular. He was having a hard time on concentrating actually since he woke up to the storm this morning. It was break time in Beauxbatons and most of the students left to go home or spend it at their friends house but Caelen stayed behind as he didn't really have anyone to go to, he saw no point in leaving. His hands were deep in his pockets as usual as his eyes searched the halls for nothing. He had nothing to do and though he loved his peace and quiet he was getting very bored. Most of his friends were either gone or nowhere to be spotted and Caelen found himself wishing he had some company right now.

He contemplated going outside but it was pouring rain and Caelen hated the rain. He hated being cold and it seemed ever since he turned vampire it was easier for him to be cold. So he was slowly getting use to not being warm but that didn't mean he had to go outside and get wet. He shuddered subconsciously at the thought as his eyes turned towards a window and he watched the downpour. The grounds were empty and that was no surprise, he doubted that the few students that did stay would want to be out in the thundering rain. The skies were dark despite the fact that it was in the middle of the day and the crackling of lightening was the only thing that would illuminate it every so often.

I need something to do Caelen thought with a sigh as he teared his gaze away from the window. He knew that he had at least one person close to him to spend the day with but he didn't want to bother them. Though the thought of stalking his vampire best friend Vanity came to mind but supposedly she was dating someone and he didn't want to interrupt anything. It would be too awkward and she might possibly kill him for doing so, so that was out of the question. He found himself pacing the halls as he tried to think of someone that was available when a door appeared in place of where the wall just stood blankly. Caelen paused and rose an eyebrow slightly as he turned his attention towards the door to examine it. After a moment he realized what it was.

He's heard rumors of a room that appeared for whatever you needed but he's never went looking for it and now it looked like he found it on accident. He looked at the door for a moment took another look around the hallway trying to decide if to enter or not. Well who was he kidding, of course he was going to enter, a door just appeared in front of him, who wouldn't open it. He chuckled lightly to himself as his hand went to the doorknob to twist it. He was actually a little anxious as to what would be inside since he wasn't even sure what it was he asked for when the room appeared. He opened the door hesitantly before deciding the hell with it and just opened it wide and walked inside.

Surprisingly enough the room looked somewhat like a common room and Caelen found himself disappointed. He wasn't thinking of his common room, maybe the door misread his thoughts, if that was possible. He stood looking around the room as a familiar scent caught his senses, he didn't identify it quickly but as soon as he placed it he froze in place. He wasn't alone in this room and Caelen let his gaze wander to what appeared to be a bundle of blankets on the ground, he released a small breath and took a step forward to peak over the couch and sure enough he saw the head of red curls that he's been dreading.

The room definitely misread his thoughts, this was certainly not what he wanted. In fact this was the last thing he would ever hope to want in the world. He spent weeks avoiding the red head and now by some cruel turn of fate he ended up where she is. He was cursed, he was sure of it now. He was cursed and this was his curse and bad luck trying to make his life more miserable than he already was. Caelen sighed deeply as he turned around quickly to leave, maybe she didn't notice him, he thought and hoped. He reached for the doorknob and was ready to leave but he stopped suddenly. He couldn't leave, not again, it would be way to obvious that he was avoiding her and besides he owed her an explaination.

He didn't see Aife since the Valentine dance when he ran out and left her abruptly and some hours later he regretted the fact. She knew what he was, he told her, he didn't know why he did such a thing but on that day he couldn't help himself. It was as if he wasn't in control that day and Caelen spent the next few days in regret of that night. He turned around somewhat slowly and stood next to the door to find himself lost in her stare. She did notice him, damn his luck, he was hoping that she was sleeping and so he would have an excuse to give himself as he left but nope she was fully awake. "I uh... didn't mean to... barge in" He spoke softly as he looked at her and quickly averted his gaze towards the ground. He couldn't look at her, it didn't feel right and he was really hoping Aife would let him leave.

[/color][[*bangs head on desk* worse... start... ever... *dies* Oh... hope you don't mind the song, I'm addicted to it]][/size]

[lalucediamore]

Aife looked out the window in her room, watching the droplets of rain as they sloshed against the panes. She watched happily as the rain streamed down, and her fingers pulled absentmindedly at the long sleeves of her top. One of her favourite things in the world was a good rain shower. She wasn't always fond of being caught in one, but she could watch them forever. Her legs were pulled up to her chest, and she sat on her roommate's bed, since hers was against the far wall. Lune wouldn't mind, though. She'd gone happily skipping off to her father. Aife had almost died with glee at the owl she'd received that Lune would be visiting Rue, too. An invite was sent her way also, but after the horrifying display she'd offered in Potions, it was far too awkward to be around the Professor. How would she stand a whole week?

Dorian jumped onto the bed, digging his claws into Aife's thigh. "Arg..! You damn cat..." she screeched as she picked him up and tossed him from the bed. Rain always made the devil fidgety and this day was no exception. "Seriously? Can't you just be nice, for once?" she asked him angrily. The feline glared at her, his bright sapphire eyes twinkling mischievously. "No... of course not", Aife decided. She pulled herself up from the bed, and went to grab a sweater from her wardrobe. "I am going, you can have the room to yourself..." she told him as she thrust her arms through the sleeves. The castle was sure to be chilly, and she pulled some navy stockings on under her chocolate knit skirt. She grabbed her bag and boots and, slipping them on as she walked, paused to slam the heavy oak door shut. Take that... she thought as she registered Dorian's shrieks from inside. He hated being closed in anywhere.

The flooding rain darkened the hallways, casting white, veiny patterns against the walls. Aife took first one stair way, then an other, and soon came to a floor she'd not been on so far. She counted each turn, hoping not to get too lost. Her bag thumped heavily as she walked, the books inside it weighing it down. They weren't school books, but novels, ones she needed to catch up on over break. It seemed most everyone she knew went home as soon as possible. Only a couple had stayed, though one she was sure was thoroughly ignoring her. Caelen's face popped into view, the perfect resemblance of the last time she'd actually seen him face to face. Disturbed, drawn, angered even... she still hadn't even been close enough to talk to him. Slowly, her sorrow in what had happened had changed to anger, and then deference. She wasn't sure any more that she even wanted to talk to someone who could lay so much before her, and then completely avoid her. It wasn't as if she'd make him talk about things. He didn't have to. She was there to listen.

The first couple of days, she'd been sad. Rue had tried to cheer her, and Lune had bad mouthed Caelen till he wouldn't have looked respectable in anyone's eyes. Aife had soon pulled up her mood, though, for her friend's benefit more so than her own. She couldn't shake the feeling that it was so wrong- how Caelen was treating her. If she entered a room that he was in, he left just as quickly. If she was first one there, he'd duck out, but every time his presence was made known to her, and every time made her feel doubly worse than last.

Aife stopped beside one large window, and looked out across the grounds. The forest was dark, and the rain was now a steady stream that fell from the heavens. She looked around for a place to sit, but found none. One would think a castle such as this would have plenty of seating areas, most likely in nooks and crannies, backed against massive curtained windows. But to no avail. The one thing Beauxbatons did sport more than enough of was artwork, though this particular hall was bare. Aife looked back through the window and sighed. She did need to catch up on reading, and was considering a visit to the library. That particular room had more than enough comfortable seating. You couldn't really check much out, seeing as the librarian was out of town, but you could still go inside.

Aife sighed again and turned around, preparing to leave the hall and make her way downstairs. She took a few steps and then paused and turned back. A door stood against the stone wall, one that she was most positively sure hadn't been there previously. She crept toward the door, and placed an ear against. No sound came from the opposite side, and Aife stood back, taking in the door's wide berth, and it's rusty hinges. Suddenly curious, she placed one small hand on the knob and turned it slowly. Surprisingly, the brass bulb turned easily- by the looks of it she'd thought it would take some oomph.

The door revealed a room that reminded her very much of the Rouerie common room, lacking the colour scheme. There were numerous couches and chairs, and Aife's brow rose suspiciously. She seemed to remember a story or two she'd heard about a room that could show up randomly in the palace, taking on a form that would most properly serve a student in need of it. Was this such a room? She looked around, taking in the various seating arrangements, and was immediately drawn to a wide couch that sat facing a large window. Perfect Aife thought. What was the use of the room showing up if she couldn't use it? She walked to the couch and settled herself at one end, and pulled one of her books from her rucksack. Wuthering Heights emerged, one ear still dogged from her first meeting with Caelen.

Caelen's features came to mind again, and Aife frowned. She wondered when she could start thinking of him as only an other selfish boy from Sournois. Oh, scratch that she thought. Selfish vampire boy from Sournois... she thought icily. The reasoning behind his behaviour still escaped her, and she had to admit, it still hurt. Her thoughts angered her, and she settled herself into the lounge, pushing them far back into her mind. She opened the book decidedly and began reading, trying to concentrate on anything other than her vampiric ex-friend. It didn't help though, that Heathcliff now seemed so damn similar. Selfish, arrogant, heedless... the list of comparisons went on in her mind as she read on, scoffing at Isabella's love for the horrid man.

Aife read on, trying to ignore the nagging feeling that she was doing Caelen a great disservice by thinking of him so. Reason broke in, and she instantly felt bad. What if he had a valid reason for acting in such a way? And what if his speedy exit had been her fault? Aife frowned. This is how it always happened, she'd get angry at the boy, then the excuses would come running. She rolled her eyes. There was no way she'd be able to catch up with her reading today. She all ready had too much on her mind.

Aife put the book up, and settled herself deeper into the couch. She felt something soft behind her, and reached a hand up, only to pull down a thick plaid blanket. A nap wouldn't be too bad... she mused, and she pulled the cloth over her, stretching it over her legs. She settled her head on her arms, and looked out the window. Fat drops of rain splattered the window, offering a steady drum that echoed softly through the room. Her eyes focused on the tendrils of water that laced their way down the pane, sometimes joining themselves with larger steady streams. Her lids drooped and she yawned, curling herself into more of a ball.

Aife was almost asleep when a soft creak came to her ears. The sound was almost inaudible above the storm outside, but just loud enough to draw her attention. She thought for a moment, wondering what it could be. A shadow dropped over her, though she couldn't see what it was. She turned her head, and noted the tall figure that disappeared behind the couch back. Her hands loosed their selves from their curl beneath her head, and she sat up quietly, trying to get a better look at the intruder. Every muscle in her being froze. Not him... not after his many efforts of stealthy avoidance, the wishes she'd made that just once, they'd be thrown together, and she could force him to speak to her. Caelen paused at the door, his pale hand reaching for the bronze knob. Aife's breath caught in her throat. Should she say something? Make a noise even? But it seemed impossible, she simply lost any and all ability to call him back.

Aife's heart dropped as it seemed he would open the door. Open the door, leave, and never see him again. She groaned inwardly. How melodramatic... she thought angrily. Her lips pursed, trying to draw words from her muddled mind. She watched as Caelen paused, and turned, his eyes meeting hers. She felt a panic rising. What if she couldn't talk to him? What if she just freaked? What if she became dramatic, crying and screaming and asking him why, oh why, didn't he even send her an owl? She braced herself, horrified, and instead settled on narrowing her gaze, hoping she looked intimidating and determined. It occurred to her that she probably more easily resembled a pathetic child, her hair most likely rumpled horridly, and rolled her eyes inwardly. As if he'd care about how you looked... she told herself moodily.

I uh... didn't mean to... barge in...

Aife's brows raised, then made a quick drop to furrow closely as Caelen's eyes dropped quickly. What was wrong with him? He did have the upper hand in the situation... She folded her arms angrily, her expression hesitant and injured. He looked horrible, almost like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Only the house elve's jar instead of his mother's. Which was far worse. Aife relaxed, her arms sliding lazily into her lap. She looked at her hands, which twined themselves protectively.

I give up... Aife thought. Her eyes trailed upward to meet Caelen's bowed head. "I don't even know if I want to talk to you anymore..." she said. Her words and manner surprised her. The sentence came out stronger than she'd intended. She'd expected a break in her speech, maybe a tear or two to shallowly fill her eyelids. Instead, she realized she was tired. Tired of worrying whether or not Caelen would get over his quest of seemingly eternal avoidance. When her eyes finally met his, they were sad, and defeated. Her lips turned down sadly at their corners, and she shrugged dejectedly. "I don't know why", she offered. "Maybe I've become used to you acting like I'm the plague..."

Wow. Did not mean to make it that long... lol. Oh wow. This is good, though! It means you fueled my muse!!!

[Caelen Sage]

Caelen found himself taking an extreme interest in the brown wood floor of the room. He started to study the pattern as his eyes continued to stare at the ground, of course this was only a way to distract himself from looking at Aife. He could feel her gaze on him, her eyes boring into him as he did his best to avoid them at all cost. He suppose it was shame that was keeping him from looking at her, shame and guilt made him unable to see her without wanting to run out of room. Why was she doing this to him, making him feel so guilty, Caelen hated feeling guilty it was because he excused and justified his actions. Guilt did not suit him, he already felt bad enough with himself as it is and he didn't need to feel bad for someone else also.

A soft sigh escaped his lips as he attempted to do just that. Justify the fact that he has been avoiding and being extremely rude to her. Though the rudeness wasn't intentional but by avoiding her it was also being rude, the way he ran far away if he saw her coming close or skipping a class that they had together so he wouldn't have to see her. He couldn't do it, it was just to much for him, he couldn't face her. Part of him was afraid of what she would say when they did run into each, of how she would react to his behavior at the dance, all of his behavior from the beginning to the abrupt ending.

He himself couldn't explain his behavior, that night he opened up to her. Truly opened himself to be vulnerable to her words and actions and that was something Caelen tried to put a stop too a long long time ago. He couldn't understand what happened, one minute he was fine and walking her to the ballroom and the next a strange feeling washed over him and he couldn't get Aife off his mind. Couldn't stop wanting to make her like him and he had the desire to just keep her happy. He trusted her than, told her everything she wanted to hear. That night he felt as if he could have shared anything with her and he wanted to. He wanted her to know him, the real him so that she could love him since that was what he thought the strange feeling for her was.

But that wasn't possible, it couldn't be natural since that wasn't Caelen at all. He didn't believe in love or rather he didn't believe he could love, nor did he believed he deserved it. He was a monster after all, something that was kept on an invisible leash and when a situation became more than he could handle that leash broke and the animal reigned free. You couldn't love something like that, it was impossible. And it was also impossible for it to love back, he didn't have a soul and he didn't have a heart. If love was a feeling that came from the heart than he wouldn't be able to feel it, his heart wasn't beating and his soul was gone, stolen from him long ago. Now he was just a shell, a shell of someone and now he was a something instead. Or that's what he considered himself as anyway.

How was he suppose to explain that to her? How could be possibly make her understand that 'Caelen' died a long time ago and in his body now lived an animal. He couldn't, that's why he was avoiding her. Aife thought he was someone he wasn't, for some reason that night he completely lost himself and showed her someone that didn't exist and now he was suppose to talk to her and tell her otherwise?. No, he couldn't, really couldn't. He didn't know how to began, he didn't know how to explain. He couldn't tell her his logic without sounding like some suicidal depressive maniac so instead he chose to avoid her. That wasn't the smartest plan in the book of course, avoidance never solved anything but it was working perfectly until this point. Until this stupid room appeared in front of him and tempted him, damn his curiosity.

He could still feel her eyes on him, why wouldn't she look away, she was about to drive him out of his mind. Couldn't she just hate him already and tell him to leave? why was she making this so damn hard. Aife was to nice for her own good, you'd think after weeks of being avoided you'd detest the person but instead she stood there staring at him. It wasn't a hateful stare either, it wasn't even a glare. Instead it was filled with pain and something that he couldn't quite place. Confusion maybe? that might have been it, he assumed he left her with more questions than he could ever answer. He could hear her heart racing, her breathing changed slightly. He realized she was nervous as he stood there, eyes boring into the ground. He should probably look up by now, before he left holes unto the floor from his gaze but he couldn't, because if he did it would mean he'd have to look at her and that wasn't on his agenda for the day, not unless she forced him.

Caelen heard a small intake of breath and he braced himself for her words. "I don't even know if I want to talk to you anymore..." Aife spoke softly and Caelen's head snapped up in response. Damn, there goes not looking at her until he was able to leave. Her words took him by surprised, the pain in them was worse than anything he's heard and he thought she should have sounded harsher. The way she spoke so calm disturbed him, made him feel worse about himself, why wasn't she angry!. Damn her. This would have went by a whole lot easier if she was mad because than he would just listen to her scolding words and after she'd finish venting he would leave. Unfortunately that didn't seem like it was going to happen, not anytime soon anyway. Her voice was much to calm, he wondered if Aife was even able to get angry at someone, the girl seemed way to sweet to be capable of hatred.

"Maybe I've become used to you acting like I'm the plague..." Aife spoke trailing off and Caelen was unable to tear his gaze away from her. Her words sunk in and Caelen had to bite his tongue to hold in the words that threatened to fall. He should apologize, he needed to but if he did than the girl would think there was a chance that the person she saw on that night existed and he didn't want that to happen. He didn't want her to be hopeful, he wanted her to hate him and stay away from him. He couldn't get close to her, especially not after what happened at the dance. When the smell of her blood became overbearing, he was doing fine until he started thinking about it and he didn't want to keep endangering her like that. So he would put a stop to it, right now, he would leave and hopefully she would take it as a sign to keep away from him.

Quickly he turned around with every intention to walk away from her forever. His hand went to the doorknob but as he was about to reach for it the door disappeared. Caelen stood staring at the blank wall as a low string of curse words flowed from his lips, the room hated him, of that he was certain. His hand went forward touching the wall as he thought the words door over and over in his mind. Nothing happened and he was getting very annoyed. First the room tricked him into entering and now it trapped him inside. This room was evil, he wasn't coming back here anytime soon. After running his hand up the wall a couple of times he stopped suddenly as he was seconds away from slamming his fist into the wall. But he couldn't do that, not while Aife was so near, he couldn't scare her and since the room was evil it would probably punch him back anyway.

Caelen sighed softly as he leaned his forehead against the wall to collect his thoughts. Well now he was stuck with her, I guess it meant he would have to talk to her. This was going to be horrible, he could feel it now. Why did everything in this school hate him so much? oh yea that's right, he was cursed. No rest for the wicked. Caelen thought glumly, that was beginning to be his favorite muggle saying. With a deep breath, he cleared his throat but kept his head leaning against the wall before speaking. "Well you should" He spoke harshly and his hands clenched as the words left his lips. He couldn't take them back, he wanted to but than again he didn't want to. He wanted Aife to hate him and so if he had to force her, well he would.

He took another breath as his hand twitched involuntarily, his fist tensing his whole body and he tried to shake it loose to slip his hand into his pockets but he couldn't. The words pained him and he needed something steady to hold on to so that he could be cruel to her. "I was hoping you being Rouerie would have meant you were smart enough to catch on... but I guess not" He spoke again as he clenched his eyes shut. Way to go Caelen, kick someone else out of your life.

[lalucediamore]

Aife waited for Caelen to speak, her heart thudding harshly against her chest. She watched the quick flicker of emotions that trailed across his face. It was hard going, she tried to make up her mind as to whether she wanted him to stay or go. The moment stretched for what seemed like an eternity. She just sat there, like an absolute dolt, trying to form at least a sentence that might explain in any amount of detail what she was feeling.

Aife watched as Caelen turned, and she made a snap decision. She didn't want him to leave. That was the horrid truth. She didn't want to scream and carry on, but who knew when she might see him again? For all she knew this would be the last time. Her eyes glanced to the brass door knob, and back to his face. His eyes were hard, and decided, but there was something else to them too...

Don't leave... Aife thought, willing her mind to communicate to Caelen the order, the wish, for him to stay. She wasn't good at letting friends down, it affected her too much. Do not leave... she thought again. He turned to the door, his rushed movements seemed to be put into slow motion to her... Do not leave... she repeated, this time far more urgent. Her eyes widened as his hand reached for the knob, and panic swelled inside her, tears filling her eyes.

Don'tleavedon'tleavedon'tleave!!!

The words built within her, her soul willing Caelen to stay. Suddenly, the door was gone, his hand stretched before the place the knob had been. Aife's eyes widened. Did that really just happen? She sat still, shocked, her eyes on the now bare stone wall. Her bright orbs turned toward Caelen, his utterings reached her ears. Did he really hate her that much? She could feel the tension in the room rise as he obviously fought to control his temper. His words came harshly, his voice irritated.

Well you should...

Aife stared at Caelen, desperately trying to sort the confusing emotions she was feeling. So how he was acting was her fault. Regardless of how much she tried to make things easy for him, she'd still screwed up. Let him down. Call it what you like. She frowned, and realized she felt horrible, like she'd disappointed him. What exactly had she done for him to act so, though? She looked up at him curiously, her head tilting as she scanned that fateful evening for the millionth time. There was nothing really, save for her asking him about her blood. Or everyone's blood. Merlin forbid she actually think it were her own to annoy him so. She pursed her lips, ready to inquire as to what she'd done that would have made him act so, but he beat her to the punch.

I was hoping you being Rouerie would have meant you were smart enough to catch on... but I guess not...

Aife's eyes shot to Caelen's, as she tried to figure out what he'd just said. Her mind seemed so muddled, so lost... Did he just call her stupid? She shook the thought from her head- that didn't matter. But there was definitely more to his problem than anything she'd done at the dance. Or so she hoped. If this was all about the dance, then he had more difficulties with socializing than she did. She looked at him in horror, her eyes disbelieving. "What on earth..." she muttered softly. He made absolutely no sense to her. How had he been so sweet, so real, so attentive that one night, and now he seemed almost cruel. It was childish.

Aife tore her eyes away from his and turned, her back resting against the couch, facing away from Caelen. She felt as if she couldn't look at him anymore, or she wouldn't be able to speak. The rain still poured, though it brought her less joy now. She watched as the fat droplets lobbed against the window pane, and she envied their ease. Why couldn't she do that? Just unleash things? It seemed anytime there was a real problem, she hardened in it's face. She turned her head a little, but didn't bother to turn around. "Caelen..." she said quietly. Aife paused. She didn't know what to say. Should she apologize? Or try to sort it out? Obviously, he wasn't much interested in talking to her. So the second option might not work well. Not that the present situation was working well, either.

"I do not understand you..." she settled. Her head turned toward the glass again, her eyes focused on the steady streams of water. She pulled her legs up, tucking her knees beneath her chin. "If you want to be rude to me, fine", she offered. "But at least let me know exactly what I did that was so horrible..." She fought to keep her voice level, her emotions at bay. The more she actually thought about it, the worse she felt. It occurred to her that, over the past few weeks, she'd thought about the problem, but also in a removed way. Now, she was trying to deal with it, trying to clear things up, and it was hard. "I really would like to know what I did for you to hate me so much..." she told him sadly.



erg. sorry it's so short! i'm tired!

[Caelen Sage]

His breathing became more forceful as each second that passed in the silence pained him. His mind was screaming at him to turn around and take back his words but he knew he couldn't. It actually hurt him to be this cruel to her and part of that confused him quite a lot. He thought that by now he had the pushing away people thing down point by point, and he was sure that he was more accustomed to having his friends hate them for their own good. He thought that he had, after all he made peace with it long ago when he first started to treat people this way to keep away from him. So why was it that walking away from Aife was such a pain, and why was his mind and body rejecting the thought of it.

"What on earth..." She spoke in a soft voice that held confusion and questions and Caelen found himself biting his tongue again. That was not the reaction he wanted from her, he didn't want sadness and confusion. He wanted anger and hatred, he wanted her to kick him out of her life so that they would both live and move on eventually. Unfortunately for Caelen luck was never on his side. Part of him saw this coming of course, Aife didn't have a hate bone in her body. That was obvious, everything from the way she acted to the way she spoke showed that the girl couldn't hate anyone or be angry with anyone but herself. She was way to sweet and Caelen found himself sighing softly.

Aife was going to cause his death, of that he was sure. Not only couldn't he be hurtful to her but he couldn't stop thinking of the dance. How accepting she was when he told her he was a vampire. He felt the change in her of course, she tensed slightly as she realized a dangerous creature sat next to her but she acted as if nothing was wrong. Aife offered her trust to him that day, she was accepting and listened to his words intently without looking at him like a monster. Though she did question him quite a lot, Caelen just took that as her trying to get to know him more. To see and know how he reacted to certain things meant that she wanted to be closer to him and he remembered that though he wasn't himself that night, the acceptance she offered him still tugged at his heart.

That's why he really couldn't be mean to her. Not when she treated him so nicely when she learned what he was. Her opinions of him didn't change when she learned he wasn't human and here he was being the monster that he was hoping she would never get to see. Caelen felt his resolve slowly dissolve as he thought of this. He remembered her touch and her gaze as she tried to keep him from walking away and his determination to leave became less and less. He had to remind himself of why he was doing this, it was for her own good. What was going to happen the next time the smell of her blood became overbearing? He couldn't answer that and that's why he needed to leave and end whatever was starting to form between them.

"Caelen..." Aife spoke so quietly that Caelen was sure if he wasn't a vampire he would have missed it. Her voice seemed weary and defeated, hopeless as if she had just given up and Caelen cursed himself for causing it. His eyes opened to stare at the blank wall in front of him as he tried to calm himself. Why the hell wouldn't the door come back, this was torture. He could hear her inhaling a breath as she struggled for the words to say him, all the while his head pounded harshly along with the tensing of every muscle of his body. Waiting for her to speak was like being in a jury, and waiting for the verdict and he wasn't sure why that thought came to his mind but it was the only comparison he could make. He was waiting for Aife to judge him and right at this moment the judgment that he thought he wanted no longer stood. He didn't want her to hate him anymore.

"I do not understand you..." Every word she spoke hit right through him like a spear. The pain came sharp and was unbearable, he truly wanted to run now. Wanted to get away before he made a fool of himself and begged her to pretend none of this ever happened. "But at least let me know exactly what I did that was so horrible..." Caelen let out what sounded like a groan as he hit his head against the blank wall. She was blaming herself for his behavior and Caelen felt terrible. Why couldn't she just blame him and get it over with? Why did she have to be so caring?. Her words sounded so forced, he could hear all of the underlying emotion under them. It sounded like she was close to tears and Caelen prayed she wouldn't cry, he don't think he would be able to keep himself together if she did.

"I really would like to know what I did for you to hate me so much..." Aife spoke sadly and Caelen was sure he could smell the tears that threatened to fall. "I don't hate you" He spoke quietly as he stopped hitting his head on the wall to speak to her. He had to take care of this now, he couldn't keep hurting Aife, he had to take the guilt and he had to give her an explanation. He owed her that much, even if after this he was sure she would probably not want to be around him anyway. He would tell her everything, he would make her understand and he was determined. First he needed to move away from the wall, but he couldn't because than he would see how he caused her to look so fragile and he couldn't handle that.

"Ugh... you're to... perfect" He spoke with a quiet groan not sure whether the girl heard the words he spoke or not. He didn't really mean for her to hear them anyway, he was just thinking out loud until he gathered the words and courage to speak to her. "I'm Sorry" He spoke and released a deep breath as he pushed away from the wall finally and turned to look at her. He loosened his hands from the tight fist as he tried to control himself. Aife sat curled up on the couch and Caelen let his gaze take in her appearance quickly before releasing another sigh. "It's really... complicated but I'm sorry" He repeated the apology and looked at her for a moment as he tried to decide whether or not he could walk over to her.

[[kills typos]]

[lalucediamore]

Aife sighed as she uttered her words, her heart felt like it was draining. She wasn't used to being at odds with friends. It occurred to her that it was harder to deal with than it looked. Advice for others was easy, but she had no idea what to do now. Should she beg for him to forgive her? To tell her what she did wrong? No. she told herself. No way in hell are you doing that... Her head hung sadly, her eyes focusing on her hands, which were busy wringing themselves to death. She lay them flat, scolding herself for acting so foolishly. Behave yourself... she cried inwardly. Her head rose, and her moist orbs focussed on Caelen.

I don't hate you...

Caelen spoke quietly. Finally, he stopped pounding his skull against the stony wall. She thought to tell him to stop being silly, to look at her, to talk to her... but she didn't know how. It seemed awful that they would end up so, thrown together inside a suspicious room, locked away like children in time out.

Ugh... Caelen sighed. You're too... perfect...

Aife's eyes narrowed, her brows furrowing as she strained her hearing to better register his words. She was perfect? That couldn't have been the form of his words. She looked at him, her expression one of blatant confusion. "Caelen... whaaa...?" she murmured helplessly. Even Lune was easier to understand during a intense dishing session on her feelings for Rue. Which said a lot...

Caelen's shoulders hunched as he faced the wall, and his voice came softly from across the room. I'm sorry... he said, his voice now slightly louder and more determined. Aife's eyes locked on his as he turned to face her. She realized it was the first time since the dance that their gazes actually met head on. It was odd. They hadn't known each other for long, they didn't know much at all about each other, either. She felt rediculous, and ultimately confused at the various feelings surging within her. Usually, she was so levelheaded. It took her forever to act on things, and even longer to build such heady feeling for someone. Why was it that Caelen was able to bypass her carefully set guards and aim straight for her heart?

It's really... complicated, but I'm sorry...

Aife's eyes narrowed, the confusion boiled over. "Caelen..." She said his name again, but this time with the air of a mother tired of the circles her toddler was running around her. "If you really think, even now, after all you've told me, that I couldn't handle complicated matters, you need your senses checked", she said. She didn't snap, though she felt like it. She didn't scream, though it would have maybe felt ten times better, despite the consequences. She merely turned away from him again, and folded her arms across her chest. The rain was pouring harder now, and she couldn't see even her reflection in the glass, it was so muddled.

Aife sighed, making the sound loud enough for Caelen to hear. She hoped he felt bad, for making her sound like such a dolt, though he probably felt quite the opposite. "I am not, by any means, an idiot, Caelen", she said, fighting to keep her voice from cracking. His apologies were useless to her, till he could learn that she wasn't some child to whom he could excuse away his actions. She knew that she'd done something wrong too, though he wouldn't tell her exactly what. Had she known that her inquiries would have done so much damage, she would gladly have kept her thoughts to herself.

Lol... aw : D
erg... short!!!
oh, and btw, i love that song, too!!!

[Caelen Sage]

Caelen stood having an internal struggle with him as he realized what he was truly doing right now. If he apologized to Aife and they went back to being good friends than the girl would forever be in danger around him. Especially since she knew what he was and Caelen really would have preferred that she didn't know. Now some of his movements or thoughts might alarm or alert her as she would always be scared of him. Though of course he was partly happy that she was aware of the danger she was in, he still wouldn't be able to hide the pain that crept to him at times when she tensed. Like she did at the dance, he remembered the moment he told her all to well.

Her face went emotionless for a moment and he remembers the anxiety he felt as he watched thoughts run through her mind. He wanted to take the words back the moment they left his mouth as he waited for her to judge him and tell him to get away. He would have of course, quietly actually and he would have understood her decision with logic. He was a dangerous thing and he was glad that Aife realized that. Though part of him really wished instead of accepting as easily as she did that she would have pushed him away. Now that she didn't push him away he was having problems pushing her away and he really didn't think he was able to. Even during the time he was avoiding her he was in a constant fight with himself to actually get away from her. That's mostly why his departures from places she was were always so abrupt and rude. He had to do it in the same moment he noticed her or he would become hesitant and make a fool of himself.

His will was too weak when it came to her and not only did that annoy the hell out of him, he was really having problems understanding why. He should be passed that stage already, he worked hard to get pass it and he told himself a million times over that he couldn't get close to anyone. So why Aife was suddenly breaking down his walls and confusing him was a question he really wanted answered. It was that stupid thing that bit him, he was sure of it. He felt a bite at his shoulder at the dance and that's when he began not acting like himself and apparently the effect of the bite was still running through him. That was the only explanation he had for it of course, he wouldn't just let Aife in on his own when he's worked so hard to keep everyone out.

"Caelen..." She spoke his name sternly and with a stronger tone than he's heard her use for the night. It sounded like she had enough and she was ready to finally unleash all of her current feelings or anger and whatever else she might be feeling. Aife spoke again and her words made him feel foolish and stupid. She was right of course, how could he tell her it was too complicated, that was a dumb thing to say. He nodded dumbly in response as he finally regained control over his body and started to relax his tense muscles. A breath escaped him as she turned around again and he felt the small impulse to tell her not to. Now that he had the courage to look at her he didn't want her staring somewhere else, mostly because if they didn't keep eye contact he would feel the need to leave again. And with the matter of the door disappearing that wasn't exactly an option.

He heard her sigh and it tugged at his heart slightly. He felt bad of course that he was causing her mind to be all muddled. She probably didn't know what to say to him and though he was having the exact same problem he assumed it must be worse for her. She was the one with all the question after all but she probably didn't know where to start and truthfully Caelen didn't know how to answer. "I am not, by any means, an idiot, Caelen" Aife spoke returning to her soft voice and Caelen really wished she hadn't. She was still blaming herself apparently, despite his words to change her mind. This was in no way her fault, technically it wasn't his fault either. He wasn't himself, it was whatever creature bit him fault and that's what he needed to tell her.

But he couldn't of course, how could he explain that. It would make things worse, he was sure of that. If he told her that he was struck with some cupid's arrow for the dance than she might feel even worse about herself and that was something he didn't want. So he was going to leave that part out of this conversation, he just needed a way to go around it and still be honest without saying anything to further insult her.With a deep breath, he gathered the courage to walk forward towards her and away from the door. With each step he took as he got closer to the couch he could feel his hands shaking at his sides and that was actually very annoying. It meant he was nervous, once again Aife was making him not act like himself. He didn't get nervous, it was against his bloodline. But it was happening now and he needed to get a rid of it.

"You're right... I'm sorry" He spoke finally when he stood by the couch and with another breath he walked forward and sat down next to her. He left quite a bit of distance between them of course, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. His eyes turned towards the window quickly and watched the rain pour down and he subconsciously shuddered from the cold. "It's just... hard to explain" He began and turned to look at her. "I wasn't myself at the dance... and I think that's what caused all of this" He spoke quickly only stopping to collect his thoughts. "If I was myself I would never have told you what I was" He spoke and turned to look at the ground quickly. That was probably not the smartest thing to say.

[lalucediamore]

The tension in the air was so thick, it could choke someone. Aife waited, patiently, for Caelen to respond. She wasn't sure if she should be glad that his tongue was tied, or angry that he didn't have a ready answer. The distance between the two stood like a thick block of matter.

So thick, that when Caelen stepped foward, his steps slow and quiet, Aife fancied she could feel the tension closing it, being pressed against her. Should she be glad that he deigned to come closer? Or tell him to leave. That it wasn't worth it, that he'd spent to much of her time all ready. But to do so would have been to go against her nature, and to block out a friend, no matter the state of the relationship.

You're right... he sighed. I'm sorry... Caelen's smooth voice trailed down to her, closer this time, and when she checked her perphiall, Aife was most surprised to see him standing so near to her. After all these weeks, she could now reach over and grab his hand if she wished. Her surprise heightened when he moved to take a seat on the couch, as close to the opposite end as possible.

It's just hard to explain he began. Aife's inward chuckle was wry. I don't understand? she thought. What is there to understand? She fought the urge to turn toward him, for her eyes to seek his. It seemed rediculous that even now, he still seemed to think that she had the mental capabilities of a twelve year old. She could feel his eyes on her, his head turned her way. It became harder to keep her gaze locked onto the window before her, and she concentrated dearly on the tendrils that escaped down the glass panes. I wasn't myself at the dance... he muttered. And I think that's what caused this...

Aife gave up, and her head turned to greet his. Her mouth opened, ready to question him, but he was not finished. If I was myself, I would never have told you what I was. The words that issued so cruelly from Caelen's lips hit Aife like a brick. They might not have meant much to someone else, but here was a girl who was used to having close ones depend on her, require her confidences, trust in her. It blew her mind to think that someone might not see her that way, and she wondered why it felt so incredibly wrong.

Aife turned to Caelen, her mouth opening once, then closing, and opening again. She tried, child like, to form a sentence, to ask a question, anything at all that would further her understanding of the ridiculously complicated being. His words seemed to be too much for her to handle, and Aife turned blindly to the window. Was he joking? Was he serious? Never having been in such a situation, she was momentarilly speechless, and felt completely and horridly lost. She thought for a moment, as she tried to sort her thoughts cleanly enough for a humane response.

"Why wouldn't you have told me?" came her first question. Aife's head was muddled, rapt with confusion. She turned to look at him again, angling herself so that she was almost facing him. "I don't understand..." she mused. "I don't think I've ever had a friend who wouldn't." Her head shook sadly, and she caught onto his eyes. They weren't emotionless, but Aife still couldn't place the feelings his expression wore. She thought over his words for a moment, and realized something stood out.

Aife's eyes locked on Caelen's, she was suddenly curious. "If you were yourself, then... what would have happened that night?" she asked. "And why weren't you yourself?" She sat there, her expression hurt. It felt like he'd lied to her. She turned away, her position shifting as she pulled her feet from beneath her. "Caelen...", she said wearily. "I don't know how to talk to you. How am I to know if this time you hate me or..." she thought about the dance, trying to find a fitting title for what she might have been to him, on that night when he had been acting so unlike himself. "Whatever it is you would have titled me", she finished. Questions filtered through her mind, but Aife pushed them away. The last thing they needed right now was a q&a session. She looked down, picking at the couch arm with her nails, as she waited form him to speak.

[Caelen Sage]

The regret struck him like a ton of bricks as soon as the words left his mouth. A ton of lead bricks that knocked all of the air out of your lungs and left you struggling for breath even though there is absolutely no air to pull on. That was how he felt right now, he felt as if he was suffocating. It's actually pretty funny when you think about it. Why would a vampire feel suffocated? they didn't need to breathe so the feeling was almost ironic in a way and irony is always funny. No matter the situation. Well right now though Caelen didn't see the irony in it and he didn't see the need to laugh. All he knew in front of him was that he just said what was to be considered the dumbest statement ever made by a human being. That caused him to feel like his lungs were being sucked dry of all the air and he was left to choke on this tense and awkward situation.

What was going through his mind when he spoke those words. The answer was simple of course, it was nothing at all. He was focusing on picking apart his words and being honest, he was trying so hard to not say anything that would offend her or hurt her feelings. Well he tried too hard and as a result the words slipped out of his mouth before his mind had the chance to process them. Slip of the tongue effect, maybe, or it could have been the nervousness that was creeping to him and making his mind numb as he sat next to Aife and hid the monster that lied within. He wanted to show her the little bit of humanity that he had inside of him. Whether it was to make her understand or to push her away he couldn't quite understand yet but he had the overwhelming need to... prove himself. Yea that was the right word. Prove that he could be human even though he was far from it. He was going about it all the wrong way though, this act of proving himself. It was because he wanted her to understand first.

Caelen had very very few people that he trusted and he believed that things had to be crystal clear for those kind of trust relationships to work. Things with Aife weren't crystal clear. He had a million answers that he needed to give her and he had to show her who he really was. Behind the fake smiles and the need to feel normal rested a hopeless empty shell of a boy who once lived and though he tried his best to hide him, he knew that if things were ever going to get to the point where he truly trusted her than she would have to see him. It was a little strange, referring to himself as two separate people like that but it was how he felt and if he was ever going to stop hurting her than she would have to see that. So far though things weren't going very well, he suppose he was just trying to hard. He still didn't feel himself, he wasn't saying the things he wanted to as now he seemed to be acting on feelings that were developing for her.

That was the root cause of all this. He couldn't be cruel and honest with her because he liked her. That really sucked and Caelen knew he had to push those feelings away. Far far away where they can never reach him until Aife has seen for herself the type of person he really was. He really wants to just tell her, he didn't want her to see on her own. He couldn't let her see on her own, his feelings wouldn't let him. He'd feel terrible and he'd want her forgiveness and that was more than unlike him. He was actually getting very aggravated at himself at this point. He wanted to push her away but he couldn't, and the words that he just told her offended her and even that small guilt was eating away at him. How was he suppose to get away from all of this. Avoid it like before... but he couldn't. Literally couldn't, they were being forced together by this demon room.

He turned to look at her as her mouth opened and closed as if speaking an answer that refused to come out. She turned her attention towards the window but Caelen kept his on hers as he tried to find the words to say to comfort her. I didn't meant it that way Those were the words that his brain was suggesting but he refused to speak them. He did mean it that way. If he was himself he wouldn't have told her and that was the truth. He refused to lie to her, well not when he already spoke them. Ok so the right statement was... he refused to apologize for slipping and being honest. Yea... that made more sense, well in a way it did. If his mind had processed the words before he spoke them he wouldn't have said them so that's not technically lying... but now that he did say them he wasn't going to take them back. That was the only part of himself that he felt he had control over right now. His honesty was about the only thing that he could understand and didn't confuse him.

"Why wouldn't you have told me?" Her words were so simple and yet they brought with them so many problems. He could answer that honestly, he knew that he could but he didn't know where to began. He wanted to tell her everything and so if he started speaking he would start to ramble. The answer should be simple, it should be something along the lines of 'because I don't know you well enough' or 'because it's my secret to keep' but even those were confusing. He felt like he owed her a better explanation so that her feelings would be spared but he didn't know where to start. There was just to much to say. To much going on up there, in his mind, and he didn't know where one train of thought ended and another began. Everything was strung together and mumbled and if he opened his mouth to speak everything would just blurt out in one long incoherent response.

He stayed silent, hoping to avoid the question and returned his eyes towards the ground as she spoke again. "If you were yourself, then... what would have happened that night?" That was a good question Caelen thought and interlaced his fingers as she spoke again. And why weren't you yourself?" Aife asked again and Caelen turned to look at her. Those he could answer with a simple answer as he knew them clear in his mind. "I don't know" He responded softly as he looked into her eyes. They were so tired and filled with confusion more than anything and he really wanted to get them back to their normal happy state. "To... the second questions" He added and looked towards the ground quickly as he sighed. He still owed her an answer to the first and Caelen's mind was reeling with trying to find a way to walk around the question and avoid spilling his life's story to the girl.

He turned towards her again as nothing came to mind. He was losing patience with himself and these feelings that he held. He was angry that she caused a reaction that strongly within him when he's worked so hard on being indifferent and apathetic. Maybe he should just tell her so... maybe that would help and it would somehow give an answer to the question that she asked him before. "I don't know how to talk to you. How am I to know if this time you hate me or..." Caelen sighed deeply as he looked at her. "I don't hate you" He repeated his words from earlier though now they sounded annoyed. He wasn't annoyed at her, oh of course not. It was at himself, for being so confused and so damn... complicated. He was mad at himself and Aife kept taking his actions as he was mad at her.

His hand reached out as if to touch her but he pulled back just as quickly. He didn't want to do anything to make her uncomfortable and he didn't know if touching even her hand in this moment was a good idea. A look of annoyance crossed his face as his brows narrowed and he opened his mouth to speak to her. "Aife... I'm just... we can't... just..." Caelen sighed and paused as he searched for the words to complete his sentences. His stupid feelings wouldn't allow him to say them. I'm just a monster, we can't be friends, just stay away his mind screamed at him but the words refused to fall from his lips. "it's not you..." He finally spoke with an air of tiredness as he looked at her. "I'm not capable of..." He paused and shook his head slightly. "Why are you doing this to me?" He mumbled to her under his breath as his eyes drilled into the ground for an answer.

"Caelen... doesn't... exist anymore" He spoke out loud though his eyes continued to look at the ground. It seemed he found the angle he was looking for. The way to tell her that he was just trapped in a body and had no soul and that he was a monster. "He died, in a forest in Scotland about ten years ago... he's gone" He spoke with a sigh as he turned to look at her finally. "Do you understand?" He asked almost quietly as he watched the confusion across her face. "Caelen is gone forever and I... I don't know what I am" he added stumbling over his words as he almost lost his train of thought.

[[Would you believe me if I told you I was sleeping when all of a sudden my muse woke me up... and I woke up from my sleep even though I have to work in 5 hours to write this response lol. you better like it! I'm getting fired]]

[lalucediamore]

Aife paid careful attention to the details etched into the fabric at which her fingers picked. Her face was solid, as she steeled herself. Caelen's voice was strained and irate when he spoke. I don't hate you... he said. Her head shot up, her eyes glaring from beneath their pallid lids. She rose her brows, and scoffed. "You don't hate me?" Aife asked. "You don't even hide it- your feelings are made so clear beneath your words..." Head shaking slowly, Aife returned her attention to the scuffed arm. How could Caelen say that he didn't hate her? Why else would he avoid her at all costs? She picked slowly at the material beneath her hand, ruffling the threads now and again. The silence was deafening.

Aife peaked from her peripheral and saw Caelen's hand stretch toward her. Did she want his touch? The quickening of her heart told her yes, but her mind told her no. To Aife, physical awareness was just as important as a shoulder to cry on. It grounded you, brought you back to reality. Kept one from floating off into the black depths of their mind.

Comfort. Safety. Hope. The words crossed her mind quickly, in that spare second as Caelen's fingers reached for her. She realized with a shock, that these were things that she felt with Caelen, and were only strengthened by his touch. Even now, in so black a time, she felt sure that if she needed, she could trust in him. She could find comfort in his presence, rejoicing in the fact that he sat near enough to touch. And with odd pleasure, she found hope in the progress their words made. Hope that maybe, this wouldn't be the last time they spoke, the last time that they sat together, secluded in their own little world. Her thoughts returned to the dance, reminding her how, until his sudden exit, the surrounding throng was invisible, unnoticed at all save those times she looked out, and even then her view was removed. With Caelen, all beings, all places, all plots, seemed to fade away, and there was only ever the two of them left, poor proof of the existing world.

After the one, eternal moment, Caelen withdrew his tense digits quickly. Aife's heart dropped, then thudded quickly, as she realized she had been hoping for his touch, for his closeness. It was sad, pathetic. She was all ready longing for his closeness, and she'd known him not even the whole of last term. Get a hold of yourself... she moaned internally. Not one to act the giddy schoolgirl, she wasn't going to start now.

Aife looked up, escaping dutifully from her reverie as Caelen's voice issued once more from his lips. It floated across the expanse between them, hesitant and stumbling. Aife... he muttered, his musings thoughtful. I just... She looked at him, her eyes not wavering from his as he spoke. We can't... Her brows knit together now, confused. Just... it's not you... he murmured. His next words came so softly she could barely here them. Why are you doing this to me? Aife's eyes widened even more so, and her position became defensive. What was she doing to him? "I don't understand", she complained wryly. "Could you try to finish a sentence?" she asked, getting a few words in as he could interrupt. "You only confuse me more..."

Aife looked at him, her expression expectant. But the response was not what she'd expected. Caelen... doesn't... exist anymore came his answer. She could only stare, gazing into his cloudy black orbs. "You don't... exist?" she questioned, her brows knit anew. Hadn't she just asked him to be clear? She cocked her head inquiringly as she listened. He died... in Scotland... ten years ago... The words filtered through her mind, but they hardly registered as she tried to sort them. Was he living an other boy's life? Did vampires do that? She looked at him, her blue orbs taking him in. Why did he have to be so complicated?

Do you understand? Caelen's words came quietly, as if he were afraid of her reaction, or maybe a misinterpretation. Caelen is gone forever and I... He stumbled over his slow speech. I don't know what I am... Finally, his meaning dawned on Aife. She looked at him with a new, but familiar expression. It was eager, attentive. "You think you are..." she thought aloud. "A shell?" Her eyes watched him, trying to glean any emotion that his features might offer.

Did Caelen think that because of his state, he was no longer the same person he once was? Of course, being a vampire would change some things, and one's mood would surely plummet for some time. But to change entirely? Aife doubted it. Maybe on the first few layers. But she was sure that, after careful and stenuous digging, one could unearth their previous qualities and personality. She refocused, her gaze searching Caelen's.

It was Aife's turn to feel the need to reach out to him, to touch him, to ground him. She fought gallantly, and succeeded in keeping her hands solid in her lap. "Caelen..." she noted. "What am I doing to you?" She was confused- she wasn't making him stay. "You don't have to stay, you know", she said, her lips pouting slightly. She didn't want him to leave. It was too incredible a coincidence that he sat by her now. When would he do it again? Hope whispered her conscience.

Aife continued to keep her eyes on Caelen. Far too long had he avoided her gaze- now she'd make the most of holding his. "You think you aren't capable of not being yourself?" she asked, as she tried to comprehend his words. "I think..." she mused. "Even if you are different, it might not be bad. I mean... you aren't evil", she said slowly. "Just because of your fate, I mean..." Aife scooted forward, so she sat in the middle of the couch. As the boy across from her braced, she held out her hands, digits spread. "I won't touch you... I promise", she said softly. "I guess that doesn't help matters..." Aife looked up at him, and leaned one shoulder on the overstuffed couch back. "You don't have to tell me..." she said. "But it seems you need to get a few things off your chest..." she tried. Her hands entwined themselves, and she waited patiently as her gaze searched his.

[Caelen Sage]

He wondered if his words made any sense to her, since they did to him, as they were the easiest way he could explain himself. It was truly the only answer that he could give her. All of the pain, hatred and anger he felt at himself and what he's become were summed up into those simple words. It was what his mind thought now, it was what's he's been thinking since the people he loved rejected him and he took on this new selfish and cold hearted personality. It was how he felt and he thought it was the only explanation for his actions. The words were somewhat of an eye opener, he’s never spoken them out loud to anyone besides himself and now that he did he saw the truth in them.

It stung a little to realize that something has caused you to change so dramatically that you are unable to distinguish the lies and truths you told yourself. Everything began to look the same and became muddled into one single messy thought. When you aren't able to even figure out when it was that you've lost yourself the reality kicks in hard like a ton of bricks. It was worse when you realized that in trying to prevent that from happening you just actually caused it to happen quicker. So in reality there was no one to blame but yourself, Even if it was easier to blame it on the people that was around you and help change you those were only excuses. You can't blame the world for failing yourself and that's the cold truth that settled in when he spoke those words out loud to Aife.

Caelen did die, but it wasn't in the forest as he said. It was little by little and the process was somewhat of a weird one. Every time he closed up to push someone that he cared for away from him they would take a bit of his humanity with them. That is why it became easier and easier for him to be cruel as time went by, maybe realizing that fact would have put an end to the unfortunate change but he didn't. Instead he reveled in the fact that his personality was changing and he was able to push people away at such ease, he began to think that it made him stronger and would eventually turned out good in the long run. So it continued over the years until it came to the point where it was no longer something he had to convince himself to do. It became a natural act, a self of defense from anyone who’s even had a chance of getting close to him. And somewhere along those lines Caelen truly died.

So maybe he should have been more specific when he spoke? No he couldn't be. He didn't realize this truth until now and the words still made sense in way. They got the point that he was trying to get across so he didn't regret speaking the words. He was hoping she understood them, understood the meaning behind them. But what was the meaning behind them? Why was he telling her this? Confusion ran through his mind as he tried to decipher his thoughts and intentions. He wanted her acceptance again, was that it? With his 'feelings' for her he wanted to know if she would still accept him even though he was a heartless soulless thing. He at least hoped that she understood that he was a heartless soulless thing, if not he would have to be more elaborate in his explanation and that would take forever.

He watched as a multitude of different look of confusion cross her face and he nearly began to lose hope. His words weren’t clear enough and didn’t make sense, he thought they wouldn’t to her. How could he expect her to understand such words coming from just out of the blue like that, it was stupid of him. He was ready to open his mouth and try again when her expression turned to that of an attentive one. Her eyes were the same as when he told her he was a vampire, under the influence of something else, and she began to question him. It was the same eyes that wanted answers as to better understand him and he felt relieved, happy even, that he’s caught her attention again.

"You think you are… a shell?" Aife spoke questioningly and he found his eyes boring into hers. Would it be too strange to say he didn’t know? He wasn’t sure if that would make a valid response or not so he kept quiet for the moment. He truly didn’t know if that was what he thought of himself. He spent to long just assuming things that he’s never actually sat down to think these questions through. Did he really think he was a shell? Well in his definition of the word it would mean that he was just the memory of a boy that used to be. Was that right? Was that what being here was like to him? No… that couldn’t be right, shells weren’t able to think and act of their own free will. They just did whatever they were told and tried to keep the memory alive. That wasn’t right, he was just a whole new different person. He wasn’t a shell.

“No” He answered her once he decided on the answer. “I don’t think I’m a shell… I’m just… not Caelen anymore…” He spoke slowly as if testing the words as he released a small sigh. That didn’t make any sense, he knew it didn’t. He didn’t even have any idea what he just said so he knew there was no way Aife would be able to decipher it. He shook his head from side to side gently as he dismissed the comment. “Never mind, that didn’t make sense” He added voicing his thoughts as a small chuckle escaped him. It was always good to be able to laugh at your own misery and Caelen learned to that also long ago so he didn’t have a problem joking over the stupid comments that he made.

She spoke his name gently and the small smile that appeared on his face from his dark laughter was removed. Apparently Aife heard his mumblings from earlier and now she wanted an answer. This was great as he didn’t know once again how to answer her. "What am I doing to you?" The question was simple and again just like the other it brought with it a set of problems. What was she doing to him? Making him sound like an idiot, that’s what. She was making him lose the uncaring personality that he’s developed, not to mention worked hard to create, over the years and she was making him become angry with himself. Now how was he supposed to form that all into one simple answer and avoid hurting her feelings at the same time?

A small smile graced his face as it was something that he found amused him as he spoke. “You’re making me have feelings for you” he answered and laughed lightly. Well that was simple and vague enough to answer her question and keep her satisfied at least for now and so he didn’t regret the words so much. Though what kind of feelings would be a hard one to answer, well he liked her. He knew that, he already decided that. But why was it different from the other times he found himself attracted to people was a question that he even needed the answer to. So what type of feelings would be something along the lines of confusion and for some reason the need for her to like him? That was something he wouldn’t want to admit and so he would simply answer with an ‘I don’t know’. That isn’t technically lying to her.

It seemed odd to him how quickly she was able to keep switching back and forth on the topics. He supposed that was something about her that he didn’t figure out yet. She did ramble on quite a lot, that part he already knew but he didn’t mind, he suppose maybe along with that trait she also had difficulty staying on topic for too long. Short-attention span, Was that the name for it? That wasn’t right as if that was the case she would have gotten bored of his one worded answers long ago. "You think you aren't capable of not being yourself?" Aife asked and he sighed softly. That was such a weird question. He was capable of being himself, he was being himself now. He was being the new him if that made any sense. It did to him.

She scooted closer to him and Caelen tensed for a moment as he didn’t know what to expect. He supposed now that they were getting somewhere she actually felt comfortable enough to move closer to him but now he was feeling nervous again as he didn’t know what it is she was moving closer for. Aife held out her hands towards him and Caelen flashed her a confused look for a moment before his gaze returned to them. That was somewhat a weird thing to do… did she think he was going to attack her or something? A question formed in his mind but he pushed it away deciding it probably wasn’t a good idea to use sarcasm right now. The urge he felt earlier to touch her came rushing back to him as she sat so close to him. Why did he want to touch her for? Was it comfort that he wanted? Well earlier he wanted to do it to comfort her… so why did he still want to now… it was those feelings again.

A sigh escaped his lips as he watched her. She had a look on her face that showed she was prepared to listen to whatever it was he had to say and he didn’t even know what to say. He supposed the easiest thing to do was just answer her questions. “I don’t think I’m evil” He answered her and held her gaze as his mind tried to focus on one point to start from. “Well… I guess it depends on what evil means…” Caelen continued shrugging nonchalantly. “I just think I am…” He paused for a moment as the word monster was the first to flash through his brain. But he couldn’t say that, it would sound too weird and off balance, but nothing else came to him, so it would have to do. “A monster” He spoke somewhat softly and looked towards the ground. That was another painful thing to admit out loud to someone. “I mean… just the whole… soulless thing…” He added soon after as if that would make the words easier to understand.

[lalucediamore]

Caelen seemed to be thinking a lot today. It took him a moment to answer Aife, and when he did, his answer was slow, hesitant. As if he were testing his speech for the first time. She watched nervously, letting him take his time. It would be awful if she did something wrong, if what potential progress they'd made toward being friends yet again was distinguished.

Aife eyes hardly left his as he spoke; his features registered her questions slowly. His next words caused her heart to flutter. Did it just skip its beat? Her eyes widened slightly, and it was hard for her to stay on track with him. She was making him have feelings for her? A smile crossed her lips, nervous but gentle. Only good things could come from that, right?

Caelen was speaking, she knew. But it was difficult to hear through the whispers flying from her conscience. Was it all right for her to be glad at his statement? Aife was unsure as to whether it meant he would stay with her, not abandon their friendship, or if he saw it as a bad thing. Half tempted to ask him so, she decided instead to let him speak on.

Aife sat before Caelen, watching him as his thoughts crossed his mind. When she moved closer, she sensed alarm. Had she moved too soon? Should she be more careful? His posture was held incredibly still, everything was hazy in comparison. She watched his eyes, his expression. He seemed even more confused when she held her hands out toward him, though their position was innocent.

Aife frowned at his sigh, and wondered what was going on inside his glorious head. She nodded as he spoke, trying to communicate to him the understanding she offered. His claim to himself caused her brows to furrow. "You think you are... a monster?" she asked, trying the word out. He continued on for a moment, and his admonishing of his soul disturbed her. "You don't have a soul..." she copied. How could he not have a soul? Vampires didn't have souls? She looked at him, her eyes mirrored in his.

"How do you know you don't have a soul?" she inquired. It hurt her to think that he might be lacking this one crucial ingredient. If he had no soul, what would happen to him in death? Would he even die, though? She realized she knew so little about his state. A mentle note crossed her mind to visit the library later.

Aife was tempted to inquire more on the subject, but she didn't want Caelen to cower from whatever the progress was that they were making. She sat quietly beside him, her fingers entwining gently. With a smile that crossed her lips, her mind turned to his earlier statement. What exactly did it mean when someone told you they were evolving feelings for you? She thought of Rue and Lune, and the slow but steady progress their mutual interests had made. Were his words anywhere near the same lines?

Aife looked at him again, her eyes this time studying his facial features and posture. He was still stiff, as if he were scared of what she might do to him. His features were both guarded and conflicted. She smiled again, slightly. "Caelen..." she began. "Forgive me, but... what do you mean by feelings?" she asked meekly. It took her quite a bit of control to not read too much into the statement. Anyway, if he had feelings for her at all, why would he have ignored her so for the past few weeks? Her eyes locked on his, watching the changes in his expression, as she waited.


<sorry it's so incredibly late and short>
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